LONELINESS

All of us are fashioned such that we need to be with people, at one point or another. Whether is it a joyful occasion, or one which requires comfort and counsel, there is always the need for people to be there for us.

Yet, the physical closeness does not always make up for something that always seems lacking. Hence, we are always lonely. We are always longing for something to fill that void. True, some of us are very inclined to Christ and His church, but at one point or another, there is that desert...the loneliness that we carry that no one seems to be able to take it away from.

I guess Christ too, must have felt lonely. And he needed HIS time alone; to pray, to ponder, to perhaps discern the will of HIS FATHER.

We too, are inclined towards doing what Jesus did. But the difference, perhaps, lies in our human-ness. Our humanity screams for pride, justice, self-righteousness, lust, greed, etc. Yet, when we are lonely, all we want is to justify our imperfections, to look good in the eyes of others. Sigh...what have we missed?

Is it so painful to turn a blind eye to justice, and to show mercy instead? Is it so torturing that a day without seeking pleasure will kill your very self? Is it so difficult to nurture purity when our habits have been tainted with lust and greed?

Answer is: HELL YES! If we do it alone, we will always remain miserable, self-pititable, and perhaps be driven to insanity. But in Christ, who shows us mercy before justice, we have the tools to cope with our imperfections.

So lonely are we...yet it could be our greatest ally when THE TEST comes. Yet, why do we cling to our own misery?

From Anthony de Mello...again...

Life is not a problem to be solved, a question to be answered.
Life is a mystery to be contemplated, wondered at and savoured. - The Symphony

Cite one example that alone would justify your life. - The Essence

Battles vs War

We fight battles everyday. We win some, we lose some, but the war is ongoing. It is more important to win the war.

A THOUGHT IN THE TOILET

Strange things happen to me while I am in the toilet. Thoughts for one run through my head, while others run out of me. heh. Here's one for the road:

WHAT CANNOT KILL YOU CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER

QUOTE FROM St. Maximilian Kolbe

No one in the world can change Truth. What we can do and should do is to seek truth and to serve it when we have found it. The real conflict is the inner conflict. Beyond armies of occupation and the hecatombs of extermination camps, there are two irreconcilable enemies in the depth of every soul: good and evil, sin and love. And what use are the victories on the battlefield if we ourselves are defeated in our innermost personal selves? - Saint Maximilian Kolbe in the last issue of the Knight

OUR LADY OF SORROWS

We celebrate Our Lady Of Sorrows. I am surprised it is not part of the festive liturgy where it deserves a Sunday celebration.

Nevertheless, let us remember Our Lady, who has been generous with us, never ceasing to intercede for us, and to show us how much she loves us, and more importantly, how much Christ loves HIS bride, the church.

Let us also ask for blessings on our mothers, who have loved us in all totality. Yes, we may find it hard to get along with our mothers sometimes, but that's because we take them for granted, right?

Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.

QUOTES from Anthony De Mello...MY HERO

BONES:

Is there a distinction between Catholic bones and Protestant bones? Hindu bones from Muslim bones, or Arab bones from Israeli bones, or Russian bones from American bones?

The enlightened fail to see the difference even when the bones are clothed in flesh!


IMAGE IN THE HEAD

Samuel was down in the dumps after being kicked out by his landlord. He had nowhere to go. Suddenly, he had an idea. He could live with his friend Moshe. The thought comforted Samuel, until it was assailed by another thought that said,"What makes you so sure that Moshe will put you up at his place?" "Why wouldn't he?" said Samuel to the thought, somewhat heatedly," After all it was I who found him the place he is living in now; and it was I who advanced him the money to pay his rent for the first 6 months. Surely the least he could do is put me up for a week or so when I am in trouble."

Then, another thought assailed Samuel," Suppose he were to refuse?" "REFUSE?" said Samuel to the thought," Why in God's name would he refuse? The man owes me everything he has!" That settled the thought for a while. But later on, another thought assailed Samuel,"Just suppose Moshe were to refuse. What then?" That was too much for Samuel, and in heated anger, he screamed to the thought,"How the hell could he refuse? The man is alive today because of me. I saved him from drowning when he was a kid. I introduced his lovely wife to him, who in turn bore him 3 glorious sons. Will he be so ungrateful as to turn me out into the streets in the middle of winter?"

The thought, however, persisted. "Just suppose..." went the thought. Poor Samuel could take it no longer, and at 2 am, went over to where Moshe and ringed his doorbell. Moshe, half asleep, opened the door and said in astonishment," SAMUEL! What is it? What brings you here in the middle of the night?" Samuel was so angry that he could not keep himself from yelling," I'll tell you what brings me here at this hour of the night! If you think I'm going to ask you to put me up even for a single day, you're mistaken. I don't want anything to do with you, your family, your house, your wife or your family. To hell with all of you!" With that, Samuel turned on his heel and stormed away.

ROADS

Sorry to have disappeared for so long. Was in a bit of a funk. So many roads. Which one do I take? Each one has its pros and cons. Going in one means giving up the other. And time is running out...Sigh.

On a positive note, I think the end goal is clear. I have a clearer picture of what my existence means for others. It's just the road (process) that I need to discern more. Back to prayer...I guess.

KMBMS

Wondering why I never post these days? Am Keeping My Big Mouth Shut!

EYES

A thought came up to me today:

IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH, I MAY BE DOING GOOD WORK. BUT IN THE EYES OF GOD, AM I?

MESSAGE FROM A DEAR FRIEND

I had a quick lunch with my dear friend, Joyce, and she was sharing what she saw at Blessed Sacrament church. The church has a powerpoint screen, and on display (when Joyce sat down in her pew), was a picture of Christ with his arms stretched out, and the caption read:

I NEVER SAID IT WAS EASY, BUT I PROMISE YOU IT WILL BE WORTH IT!


Amen.

A BIG STEP

I am going to surrender. I can no longer do it alone. I pray for courage for this BIG STEP. I know it is important, and it will change my life. I ask you Lord to grant me the grace of perseverance, patience, and humility. Pleasr pray for me.

TRUTH

I have a rare morning off. Kinda explains why I have stopped posting
for a while. But while searching YouTube for prayers to the Sacred Heart Of Jesus,
I stumbled across some disturbing clips that really attack God, HIS Trinity, Jesus HIS BELOVED SON, and HIS BELOVED CHURCH.

Of all people, the clips I stumbled upon came from Oprah Winfrey's show. She was trying to tell people there is more than one way to live life, and that it was "Man who created God in his image". Do you know how dangerous a statement that is? Now, I am no Oprah fan, but I do know she does have a heart of goodness and compassion. But after hearing what she has said (and you should hear it on YouTube), I am more convinced that the world is further away from the TRUTH than ever before.

So people, is there TRUTH in what Oprah has said?

I save my response for a later post.

A SIGHT-SINGING EAR TRAINING (ASSET) WORKSHOP

Starting a music workshop called A SIGHT SINGING EAR TRAINING (ASSET)workshop at St Ignatius church (Kingsmead Hall, CISC). This workshop will take place on April 24th (10am-5pm) and 25th (1pm-5pm). After all these years, am finally about to realise a dream that I had envisioned so many years ago. I hope people who participate will leave with a sense of empowerment that music can only bring.

Just a few insecurities left that I need to see to this week, so am gonna be really busy tying up loose ends. Gonna be a BIG challenge trusting GOD that everything will be ok.

Big thanks to Jonathan who helped me with the brochures and his support. Thanks buddy!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Had a bit of an epiphany while teaching class.

My student was struggling with his chord changes, and when he finally got it right, he asked me how come his playing sounds choppy but mine is smooth.

I just blurted out," You must know where you are going."

I was like, hey...an epiphany.

Applicable to our spiritual journey?

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

DRAW NEAR AND TAKE THE BODY OF OUR LORD

The Easter triduum draws near. If hearts are still stubborn, and mindsets don't
change, then how can Jesus be revealed in HIS glory to the individual?

At the end of it all, what is the point of hanging on to things that are evidently far from Christ's teaching?

It's time for change. Let us come in a state of grace, to draw near and take the body of our Lord.


CHANGE OUR HEARTS THIS TIME, YOUR WORD SAYS IT CAN BE
CHANGE OUR MINDS THIS TIME, YOUR LIFE COULD MAKE US FREE
WE ARE THE PEOPLE, YOUR CALL SET APART,
LORD, THIS TIME, CHANGE OUR HEARTS!

HOLY WEEK

Pray, pray, pray...Pray not to be put to the test.

All that we have, all that we offer...It will be a gruelling week. Be mindful of anything that can distract us from our resolve.

Keep watch!

BED BUGS!

My son's bedroom is infested with bed bugs! Eeewww!

The lesson learnt...It's part of life. I have a nice house, nice family, nice car, and a nice home feel, but the bugs will one day attack the household to make our lives just a little more complicated.

I admit I lost my cool a couple of times thinking of all the inconveniences and all, but in hindsight, I guess I just have to embrace this. Sigh!

On a more positive note, Maureen, my sis in law from England is flying in, and I am so excited to see her and have her staying with us. The rest of the extended family stay with us 11 days later. Then, this house will start to look like the Brady bunch.

I just thank God for family. I am blessed that mine is not filled with politics and power struggles. But we should pray for those families that struggle every day.

Blessed be God!

CONFESSORS

Had a bit of 'me' time today as my wife went out with her girlfriends.

I decided to go to Novena Church for the 6pm service. Almost didn't get parking, but managed thanks to a very grumpy warden. I guess they need people like him to get traffic going.

I lined up for confession as novena went on. Been wanting to see Fr Paul Lim. Had a prompting about him a few days ago, so when I lined up, I was floored to find that after so long, he was the priest I was going to make my confession with.

Fr Lim exudes such gentleness, compassion and wisdom. I always feel 'washed' whenever I have confession with him.

Another priest that I go to frequently is Fr Fabien at Blessed Sacrament. I always bump into him at 3.30pm at the adoration room. It was cool having confession right in front of the blessed sacrament. Fr Fabien is as gentle and loving as Fr Lim.

So for those of you reading, do you want to wait till penitential service? Or is you heart ready for conversion?

EPIPHANY

20 years of being a musician. 13 years as a teacher. Even now, God still surprises me through my music lesson.

Had a bit of an epiphany today. I was at St Mary of the Angels Fransciscan friary teaching one of the friars the piano. He struggles with executing correctly. Poor thing. He is expected (by his superiors) to 'deliver' good liturgical music in a short period of time.

During our class last night, he kept trying to 'repair' his mistake. I finally got a little frustrated, and told him not to dwell on it and move on. The words just came out of my mouth when I said 'move on'.

Then, I started revealing to him that in performance or during mass playing, there is no way to 'repair' mistakes. Only way is to move on, simply because panicking when things go wrong leads to a bigger mess, but messing up a bar or two, and yet be able to play along with the congregation for the most part is more effective.

That's when it hit me that this analogy applies to my struggles with sin. So often, I dwell on my mistakes, that I forget that despite my sinful state, I can still train others and be an example. All I need to do is stop dwelling on the mistake (not to mean taking for granted), but MOVING ON because there are many other things that I can give glory to God for.

I thank God for this revelation.

MANTRA

I played for a baptism yesterday. Kinda odd that I agreed to play because I rather do weddings. But, somehow, I said yes, and I got more in return!

In the baptismal promises, there is this question posed to us whether we choose to be mastered by sin. Obviously, the answer was that we rejected Satan, and all his works and all his empty promises. But somehow, the phrase about being mastered by sin hit me in an unusual way.

Later that evening, I received an SMS from a Catholic friend. The SMS contained a mantra inviting me to recite "I want to huat (make money and prosper in Hokkien)". Apparently, repeating this mantra, and sending it to 12 people promises instant wealth in the next 12 hours. I was, of course, disappointed that my Catholic friend chose to believe in such garbage, but I somehow instantly connected with the phrase about being mastered by sin, and it was revealed to me that this mantra - I REFUSE TO BE MASTERED BY SIN is a powerful weapon against temptation.

I decided to test it out while driving. I always lose my temper when I drive because there are just so many bad and inconsiderate drivers. This time, though, I prayed for patience, and repeated the mantra - I REFUSE TO BE MASTERED BY SIN.

I testify it is one of the most profound, powerful, peaceful and prayerful mantras I ever came up with. I never once lost my temper! I even gave way! Who would have thought I would have discovered a mantra this way.

While I was a child condemned to hell for my sinfulness, I became a witness of God's mercy and love, even through a mantra like this.

LOVING AND FORGIVING ARE YOU, O LORD!

WE REMEMBER

We remember how YOU loved us, to YOUR death, and still we celebrate for YOU are with us here...

Do we really?

Had a thought just now. People remember bad stuff faster than the good stuff.

It's so easy to laze at home and decide not to wake up for Mass duty. It's so easy to switch on the computer and have pornography at your doorstep. It's so easy to play computer games way past the allotted time. Cigarettes are easily accessible. Drugs, a little harder, but still available. It's so easy to gossip about others, than to say sorry for being so imperfect. Tempers flare faster than kind words.

In short, it takes a whole lot of effort to stay good the entire day, and an instant to do something bad, or say something you should not have said, or thoughts that just creep in that leave us in a daze.

Such is our world...Or is your world different from mine?

IN THESE DAYS OF LENTEN JOURNEY

Blessed is anyone who perseveres when trials come. Such a person is of proven worth and will win the prize of life, the crown that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

Never, when you are being put to the test, say, "God is tempting me." God cannot be tempted by evil, and he does not put anybody to the test. Everyone is put to the test by being attracted and seduced by that person's own wrong desire. Then the desire conceives and gives birth to sin, and when sin reaches full growth, it gives birth to death.

Make no mistake about this, my dear brethren; all that is good, all that is perfect, is given us from above; it comes down from the Father of all light; with him there is no such thing as alteration, no shadow caused by change. By HIS own choice, HE gave birth to us by the message of the truth so that we should be a sort of first fruits of all HIS creation.

- James 1:12-18

HAPPY THE MAN WHOM YOU TEACH O LORD! (Psalm 94)

GIVING UP FOR LENT

Wanted to shave my head for Lent this year, but my wife talked me out of it. She had her point.

First of all, I don't care what I look like when I go to work, nor do I keep a very neat hairstyle anyway, so having no vanity does not serve its purpose. Besides, all I would do (if shaved my head) is attract unwanted attention.

Secondly, she made me realise that giving up for Lent is from the heart; something that you really want to give up, and do it in secret. Perhaps for me, I would have to abstain from fried oyster and hokkien mee. Sigh. Tough one. So my friends, lead me not into temptation!

After all the feasting (and one more day of majong and what not), can't wait to settle into Lent. It's time to take the challenge.

SAYING GOODBYE

My godson, Mark, set a new chapter in his life by flying off to Tasmania, Australia, to pursue his law degree. I am so proud of him because he always knows what he wants in life, and has understood the meaning of struggle.

My only regret was, however, getting stuck in a traffic jam, and despite prayers and rosaries, there was no way I could make it to the airport on time to see Mark off. Sigh.

I feel a sense of loss, not so much of losing a son, per-se, but more of struggling to let go of the kite string, and watch this godson of mine soar to exciting heights. I have full confidence that with discipline, and guidance, he will be all right.

But not being able to see him off made me furious, frantic, incomplete. Perhaps I needed 'closure' in a form of a hug, or a last minute personal pep talk with this boy. Thank God it was just missing an airport date. Imagine if it was a life and death, and I could not experience full closure with the people I loved; being able to at least say goodbye properly.

I would be devastated if my wife, for example (and touch wood), were to go so suddenly. I can't imagine how I would react, or what my emotions would be. Just imagine that and compare to millions of people who struggle with loss of loved ones without having full closure.

I only pray that God will be merciful to me, a dreadful sinner, to allow me to reunite with people I love when it's time. I trust in HIS mercy and love. Only problem is, my humanity will cause my faith to fluctuate. The cross I bear, perhaps, is such, and the sooner I learn to embrace and trust my God, the better I will understand the magnitude of HIS love, and faithfulness.

REMEMBER YOUR MERCY, O LORD!

TAKE UP YOUR CROSS

Something that hit me a week ago, and I shared it with my wife.

I saw a bus with huge letters that read IMMORTALITY.

Take the cross (or letter T) out of it, and what do you get?


IMMOR ALITY

How apt!

INSECURITY

What do you want of me Lord?

I don't think I am ready for it yet.

PERSPECTIVE

I am not much of an avid reader, but these days, I devour anything to do with God, reconciliation, rosaries, prayer books, etc.

Anyway, came across something, and for the life of me, can't remember where it came from, but here's some food for thought:

2 prisoners sat by the window of their cell and gazed out.

One saw mud. The other saw stars.

SOWING THE SEEDS

What type of a sower are you? Where have your seeds fallen?

Food for thought....

Hungry.

DAVID and...sabbath

This week's readings have centred around Samuel finding a new king to replace Saul.

God chooses David to be the one to lead HIS people. David loves God very much, but was also a big sinner. The relationship challenges on fidelity with God.

For reflection... how sincerely faithful are we to God?

In the gospel of Mark, the question of the sabbath arises. Jesus tries to teach us that sabbath is for us, not us for the sabbath. In other words, we should not follow our church rituals blindly.

So another reflection...are we guilty of being to "black and white" with our rituals?

1st week of Jan...Whew!

Back to work, back to reality...Work almost back in full swing. Some clients still on holiday, lucky them. Next week, they get my torture. Lucky me! hehehe.

What did I learn this week? Well, my wife has been reading the daily reflections in the car as I drive her to work. Kinda like our prayer time together, which keeps me from swearing at the other drivers.

One reflection that I thought is worth this post is taken a few days ago. The gospel talked of Jesus calming the storm when it got too rough for the disciples. The reflection was not so much about questioning our faith level, but more of picturing Jesus riding the storm with us. Immediately, my thoughts were in sync with the reflection: Jesus does not take the storm away from us. He wants us to ride the storm with him because it is necessary for us to struggle, and overcome our storms in life. The good thing we have is Jesus as our companion, to whom we can turn to for strength, direction and focus.

This weekend, we celebrate Baptism of the Lord. The acclamation itself says: THIS IS MY SON, THE CHOSEN ONE, LISTEN TO HIM.

O Lord, help us to focus on YOU. Give us strength to ride the storm with you. Lord, no matter how tough it gets, help us to trust in YOU completely, for we know you are always with us. Give us direction and purpose, that the things we do will please YOUR FATHER, OUR FATHER. And when it is all over, we wait for the angels and saints to witness YOU, MARY our mother, and OUR HEAVENLY FATHER welcome us into the throes of heaven.

Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy, keep us free from sin, and protect us from all fear and anxiety, as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our savior, Jesus Christ...For the kingdom, the power and glory are YOURS, now and forever. AMEN.

STARTING WORK

Today is the 1st working day for me. Kinda looking forward because my money is running low, after paying off road tax and car insurance, and the kids' allowances and maid's salary and what not. I realised that I relatively broke even, and have not saved much.

Funny enough, I am not worried. For some reason, I felt peaceful and calm after knowing how poor I was. This perhaps is due to being able to enjoy Christmas for 12 days or more, and bringing it to full closure at Epiphany with an evening Mass at St Ig's 6pm mass.

Started work on a wrong foot. I procrascinated and lazed, and then realised I was late for my lesson. Sent in an sms to my client with some lame excuse, only to find out they had forgotten about me. Just as well. I became early for my next lesson. Divine intervention? Fat hope. Pure arse luck, although I must say it hurt my day's takings.

Traffic was horrible. I cursed, gestured, swore and lost patience. So much for inviting people to pray 3 times a day to ask for God's graces. I only think the patience we ask for is nothing compared to the immense patience that God has for all of us.

Think about this. HE can tolerate our disobedience, our anger, evil thoughts, lusty desires, our curses at HIM either by word, or action, or both, our hypocrisy, our indifference, our abuses, etc. How in the world can we be God's witnesses and live in HIS light when we are looking for darkness?

The only conclusion I can think of is faith, conscious choice and resolve. Allow me to explain. When we fall into sin, we either think of some excuse to justify our actions; trying to turn black and white into grey, or kick ourselves so badly that we either get discouraged or weaker and weaker.

Some thought crept into me. I believe THIS is divine intervention.

NO SIN IS TOO SMALL TO OMIT FROM YOUR CONFESSION, and NO SIN IS TOO BIG THAT IT CANNOT BE CONFESSED.

I firmly believe our God is a god who loves us dearly. He hates the sin, but loves the sinner. I would think if the repentants feel HIS love through the sin they struggle with, then HE would gladly indulge us to sin, and yet be sorry each time we fall in order for us to know how much HE loves us. Contradicting right? But Jesus is very controversial. I have faith if I had to feel God this way, then it shall be through my struggles with sin.

The difference, however, would be our conscious choice to do good. We must stay vigilant, and avoid the occasions of sin. But if we do fall into our weaknesses, we must trust that God will forgive us each time we feel true contrition of our sins. And what better way to increase our faith through resolving never to sin again? Hence, this is our prayer at the confessional before we receive absolution.

Lent is coming. Let's resolve to make the coming 40 days a war between our good side, and our evil side. Which would you want to win?

O My God, I truly am sorry for the sins I have committed today, and in my past life. I resolve with YOUR help and grace to feel full contrition for my sins, and to resolve never to sin again. Walk with us Jesus every step of the way, and be near us when we fall so that we can continue our journey with YOU to our eternal home.
Amen.

2010- SCARY SIA!

Happy New Year my friends. Here's to another year of uncertainty and ambiguity.

Sounds cynical, doesn't it? But such is our Catholic faith. We always seem to know what we are supposed to do, and what is expected of us, but really...do we really know where we are heading?

Before you get an impression that I am a wet blanket, let's face it. We are all selfish people. No matter how much we try to be giving, charitable, and all that, deep down, don't we wish for this and that? Don't we bargain with God for something easier rather than embracing our cross lovingly?

But here's the other side...Too much trying to be good for God can be harmful. The devil is such that he can lure in the obvious direction of sin, and also disguise himself as someone good, and allow you to do good deeds, but to the point of obsession. Example would be trying to be diligent and working hard for the family, which is a darn good thing, until you neglect your family time, and the more important things like prayer and community. Or, we get more obsessed with trying to be good for God by not breaking his commandments, and we force it on others to be like you, failing to be sensitive to those who may not be on the same spiritual level as you.

SO what do we do? Frankly, I don't know. But I trust that if my intentions and thoughts are pure, and I accept my weaknesses, and plod along, I think God will indulge me. In the past, I used to get hung up on my mistakes. Now, I just use it to pick myself up and move on.

I like what one priest said to me during confession. There is a difference between perfection and holiness. If we get so obsessed with perfection, we will never see the light of day. That's because we are supposed to rely on God for His strength. Holiness is just being dedicated to prayer and being in touch with God almost unceasingly.

Whatever it is, keep pure in thought, word and deed, but also a charitable heart that does not judge.

For 2010, let's learn to embrace our crosses of injustice, irritations, imperfections, and self-centredness.

O God, in all things, help us trust in YOU. Amen.